laurelin_kit | The Adventures of Frodo and Sam (Reply)

The Adventures of Frodo and Sam: The Madness of Galadriel
Rated R for gratuitous unnecessary Galadriel-vilification, hobbit slash and plush animals.

The Adventures of Frodo and Sam: The Madness of Galadriel

Time wasted by

laurelin_kit, plot idea courtesy of

lonely_streets. Created at 2 in the morning.

Frodo and Sam were one day sitting outside the door of Bag End, when suddenly they heard the approach of someone.

"Who on earth could that be, Mr. Frodo?" asked Sam.

"I don't know, Sam."

It was Galadriel, behaving as neither hobbit had ever seen before, even when confronted with the lure of the Ring. No, Galadriel had with her a leather whip and exuded a light so brilliant that Frodo was momentarily blinded. Sam fell back in a dead faint.

Quickly Galadriel whisked Frodo off onto her horse and led him away from home and paradise with his beloved Samwise.

"You must take me back!" cried Frodo.

"No, Frodo," said Galadriel. "I'm sorry, but I must have you."

When Sam awoke he quickly ran to his pony, Bill, and set off in search of his master Frodo, before Galadriel could corrupt him.

"I'm coming for you, Mr. Frodo!"

Meanwhile, in the darkest thickets of Lothlorien, Frodo was at the mercy of Galadriel, trying desperately to form the words, "Stop! Don't touch me there!"

"Fear not, my little hobbit," reassured Galadriel, seeing his distress. "You will soon be happy beyond your wildest dreams."

"Saaamm!!!"

Sam first sought out Merry and Pippin.

"No, you weren't interrupting anything," assured Merry. "Why would you think that?"

Quickly Sam explained the problem to the two formerly copulating hobbits and they agreed to come with him and help save Frodo.

The hobbits first consulted their friend Legolas, hoping his Elvish wisdom could shed some much-needed light on the actions of the Elf Queen.

"I know of what you speak," said Legolas slowly. "A veil has been cast on the clear reasoning of the bearer of Nenya. Her mind and her thoughts are not her own. She cannot distinguish for herself what she is doing. Her actions are caused by another motive beyond her control."

"It's not her fault?"

"Right. As I was saying, she has been overtaken by the need for the pleasures of the flesh. I have long since known that she desired to touch the Ringbearer in most inappropriate places. And now, as happens once every milennia, all her niceties and politeness is overthrown by her need."

"She's infinitely horny?"

"Indeed."

"Then there is no time to lose!"

Faramir, summoned by the anxious hobbits, raced off ahead, being much faster than the ponies of the Shire. (Because Faramir is the only one who looks so cool riding my old Grand Champions horses.)

Frodo was nearing the point of no return. He could see Galadriel's panties.

In the nick of time, Faramir galloped up and knocked Galadriel out of the way before she could do further ~~molesting~~ harm to the halfling Frodo.

"Curse you to Shadow!" she cried. "~~IA! IA! CTHULHU FHTAGN!~~ I SUMMON THE POWER OF MY CREATURE OF ELVEN MIGHT!"

Out of the darkness of the trees came a large and ominous shadow, slowly revealing itself to be the root of all unexplained deaths in the forest during a full moon or an Elvis concert.

"I'm so cute and fluffy!" it roared, striking fear into the hearts of the brave company that had come to save Frodo.

Precisely at the perfect moment, Gandalf crashed through the trees to face the creature.

"You cannot pass!" howled the wizard, brandishing his staff. "Go back to the shadow!"

"Blue punch buggy!" wailed the creature, smacking into Gandalf with the fist of Doom.

Off to the side, Sam cradled Frodo in his arms.

"Mr. Frodo, you're safe now. Nothing can harm you."

"Oh Sam," wept Frodo. "I feel so cheap! I feel so used!"

"Don't worry," comforted Sam. "When we're all safe, I promise I'll be the only one to ever touch you there."

Gandalf smote the mighty creature.

"No punch back!" it cried before fleeing back into the shadows from whence it came.

"Stop!" cried Galadriel. "YOU CANNOT WIN! I SHALL TAKE YOU ALL BACK TO DARKNESS AND YOU WILL NEVER CEASE TO COME FOR ME, EVER!"

"You mean-" began Merry hesitantly. "All we'd ever have to do is have sex?"

"Yes," answered Galadriel, caught off-guard. "That is all I would require."

"Well!" said Pippin. "You have my...well..."

"And mine, too!" added Merry.

And thus did Merry and Pippin give up their virtue to save their cousin, forever honoring their memories in the other's eyes. Frodo and Sam wept to be parted from their dear friends, for they knew Merry and Pippin would be far to busy to write, at least for the month that Legolas had informed them Galadriel's madness would last.

So they parted ways and went home.